Ok, Already! I know! :-)

I know I have been seriously lacking in the blog posting department. But, having my DAD say "You haven't posted anything in a while" seriously drives the point home.

Ok, Dad and everyone, I will get on the ball.  Ideas anyone?  I need a theme I think to get myself in gear!

I am now open for suggestions.

Madison, You're Pretty Dang Cool!

 

We have been in Madison, Wisconsin the past 5 days and WOW, I must say - I could easily live here. Of course that's being said without experiencing the Wisconsin winter. This place is beautiful. Trees are changing color everywhere.With the absence of pine trees, the color is even more concentrated.  Add in the fact that Madison is situated on an isthmus between two lakes, and I love it even more.  I could never be land locked, and while the lakes are not the ocean - it's still a body of water.

Another upside - this is a college town! University of Wisconsin is here and gives it a great vibe. Fun, funky, intelligent, and open minded. There is a lot of cyclists, restaurants, and space to stretch out and be active.

The past few days have been a blur of wedding activity as we celebrated and prepared for Leah and Marks wedding. We've all been busy, but having fun. And food has been a prime activity. Their wedding went off without a hitch and a good time was had.

Tomorrow we head back to Milwaukee to catch our flight and return home. Getting back to the grind will be ok, but I have to say I will miss this place and look forward to coming back.

Busy as a ...

B

Life feels frantic these days.  Mid August was the beginning of the "mad dash to October 11th" That is the day we fly back from my being in and interpreting my friends wedding in Wisconsin.  I'm very excited for the trip, but also excited that as of that day - my life will calm down.  The whole wedding thing is actually no biggie, it's the rest of my life that is nuts.

Weddings, employee retreats, planning meetings, coordinating workshops, out of town trips, everyday work....all of this has been at mach speed lately.  I have one weekend free until I fly out for my friends wedding. ONE!  Granted some of what I have been doing is fun, but at this point a little sitting on my back end would feel great. 

I miss my friends. I really want to meet up with two friends for a long talked about, but not accomplished dinner together.  I want to clean my office, get organized, and get ducks in rows.  I want to ride my bike. I would like to chat on the phone. I would like to respond to a text with "hey lets meet up" not " on my way to/I'm just walking into/am in a meeting/job/workshop".

I need to ssslllllooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww ddddddoooooowwwwwwnnnnnnnnn!!!

Thank God it Wasn't an Owl!

Early this morning, around 4am, I was having some serious restless legs and couldn't sleep. In order to not annoy my slumbering hubby with my "flopping like a fish out of water" routine, I grabbed a blanket and headed down to the living room couch.  The couch is actually comfy, three of the windows were open and a nice breeze was coming in.

Just as finished settling and closed my eyes...a cell phone went off outside the window. A little soft trilly song. And, it only went off once...like someone caught it. It literally sounded like it was in my living room.

There are no words to explain how fast my eyes flew open and how motionless and quiet I became as I was listening, trying to figure out if I could hear someone standing outside of my house.  Was it the neighbor? It really didn't sound like there were walls and windows between the sound and me. My neighbors girlfriend is often outside (facing my window) sitting on the stoop talking on her phone. But, it's 4 am. She is not out there. And I have never heard her phone make that noise.

Needless to say, I looked around (stuffing down that fear I have that I will look out the window and see a face looking in) and saw nothing. Heard nothing more. I settled back down and finally fell asleep. I must have been REALLY tired to actually rest after that.

All I can say is: Shannon - thank GOD it wasn't an owl!! LOL ...um inside joke there. 

My Brain is Weird.

When I am procrastinating, I get the word stuck in my head to the tune of Carly Simon's "Anticipation". I have no idea why.

When I am sitting some place waiting for a job to start, or waiting for someone to show up, or the class is taking a test and I forgot to bring a book that day, and time is creeping, I get the Steve Miller Song "Fly Like an Eagle" Stuck in my head. Specifically the  "time keeps on slippen' slippen' slippen' into the future..." part. It doesn't really help.

Does YOUR brain work in mysterious ways? Do tell....I can't be the only one.

Stop the Ride, I'm Getting Off

Its been a while since I wrote this post.  I still stand behind every word I wrote.  I still believe in having hope and patience with those who suffer from mental illness. Everyday I remind myself how hard it must be to live that way every day. Stuck on the roller coaster while that damn carnie just won't stop the ride and let you off.

I rode the downward slope with a friend a couple days ago. She went screaming down, down, down, and I was belted in next to her scared, sad, mad, and damn tired to be there...again.  Sunday was far from the first time we have made a trip to the hospital and unfortunately, unless something drastic changes, she is well on her way to a million frequent flyer miles.

Like I said, I still stand behind my earlier post. But, those with mental illness and addiction have to take some control and help themselves. We can't do it all for them. We can lead them to services, addiction recovery, doctors and safety. Getting them to realize they need these services is a whole other problem.  Even worse is when they know they need the services but choose their addiction over family and friends and life. Repeatedly.

The loved ones of those suffering from addiction take a beating. We love, hope, get crushed, love some more, hope, get crushed again, love and love some more. And if we have the strength, we know when to  step back and distance our selves from the situation. I am having to find that strength. There is nothing I can do. I have done it all. I am stepping away. While my heart hurts, my head is telling me I'm doing the right thing. I don't expect her to understand. She may never understand.

So, I still have hope for her. I will always have hope that she will seek help and her life will become the one she is meant to have.

Where Did the Hours Go?

I started this weekend Thursday afternoon. I had a meeting with some great people and I convinced them to have it at our beach house. Heh Heh Heh!! I drove down to the coast with a friend and since no one else took me up on the "hey come the night before instead of driving down at the crack of dawn", we spend the evening chatting, enjoying pizza and a couple of beers.  Perfection.

Friday was our retreat and then Friday night, a little shin dig for a fabulous friend. Saturday, I awoke with the motivation to spend all day working in my office and finally getting it cleaned up, organized and ready to actually use.  Alas, I was derailed by Rex, who decided we should work in the yard. Hmmm...its not a gazillion degrees outside...ok fine.

Saturday ended with Sushi and the FREAKIEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER WATCHED! Which of course my dear friend told me TO NOT WATCH. I will from now on head the advice of said dear friend. I may be scarred for life.

As for today, I have businessy stuff to catch up on and a party at my sis-in-laws house tonight. 

All very fun stuff, but I still need more hours and my darn office to be cleaned. Ah well..I figure having "She had a clean office" on my headstone would suck.  I'd rather it say  "we tried to find that piece of paper in her office that said what she wanted on her head stone, but she was out having fun so much that her office was a wreck and it was impossible to find that paper and thus, THIS is the what we put on it instead"

I hope everyone had some fun this weekend. :-)

I'm a Teeeny Bit Freaked Out...

I have this really important meeting today in Salem. We are trying to convince the state to change their minds on a really poor decision that was made. With cuts being made everywhere, this is going to be hard to do. But, with facts and common sense, perhaps we can at lease make them think or get an extension.

I have a HUGE fear that no one will show up. The group will be small and less impactful. We really need people to show. I guess at the end of the day, I will know I tried to make something happen.

Wish us luck!

New Look!

So, I went overboard and played with the new designs Blogger has available. I picked this picture because if I could be there right now, I would be.

Ok, Ok, I know, I know!

I received some fabulous Reiki tonight by a wonderful friend. It was fantastic! While we chatted, she told me I had to PLEASE post something new on my blog. So true my friend! I promise I will catch up and post some new stuff pronto.

Cracktacular!

I broke down at about 11:45 last night. Grabbed the keys, walked through the rain, got in my car, grabbed my book, started reading. I did manage to have some self control and only ready about 20 pages then crashed. See, I'm improving.

Will Power

So I have managed to keep the crack in my car. I'm currently reading a book that I need to finish first....Wow, if I could use this will power for other aspects of my life, things would be different.

I Couldn't Take It!

Try as I might, I couldn't stop myself from driving to an out of the way library for the next installment of literary crack!

I can't focus...

I have a new addiction.

Where Am I?

I'm feeling lost and not exactly sure of where I am. Or where I am suppose to be. Do you ever feel that way? Like you don't exactly fit anywhere. Like the odd piece of the puzzle that just doesn't match up. That's what I feel like.

Like you are not the version of you that everyone else sees and you just want to scream, "DAMN IT, that's not the real me! You don't know who I REALLY am. Why doesn't anyone see me..." Why can't I connect with what they see?

I need a road map. I need the fog to clear.

I'm Heading to Tower...Want to Come?

I picked up Rex's iPod today and stared at it...and stared...and realized I have no idea what to do with it. I assume it's "user friendly" and that I will get the hang of it, but at this point I need lessons.

Last week I asked Rex to bring his iPod home from the office, as it seemed he wasn't really using it much. I though, cool, I can load it full of my music! And by "my music" I mean downloading the music from my stacks of CD's in my office (you can do that, right?) not "my music" in the same way as Ross Geller means "my music".

Last night I plugged the iPod into the computer for a good charge and this morning I disconnected it. Then, I stared. I don't know the first thing about iTunes and downloading or uploading music or whatever I need to do. Just to prove I'm not a complete and utter tech idiot - I then texted a good friend to tell her I need an iPod tutor.

What I really need is Tower Records. Remember the days when you went to the record store? Vinyl was to be played, not melted into bowls or formed into jewelry. (although, both look cool)Flipping through the stacks of albums until you found what you wanted. Waiting to see the sneak peak of the cover art for your favorite bands next album. I like the whole vinyl process. I like the sounds of the music with the distinctive pops and cracks as the needle moved across the ridges. Hey, and just how is one suppose to hear the devil on a CD? Those can't be played backwards.

Tapes were cool. Especially with a walkman. I have vivid memories of being in the car driving to the beach, headphones on listening to Culture Club and The Alarm. I do like CD's...although I don't understand why they price hasn't dropped after all these years. Smaller, shiny, me likey. But I still miss going to the store...the record store.

Maybe my background is the problem, you see I was raised for a while in a record store. My Grandpa and Grandma Baughman owned Town Record Shop in Portland. Located at what is now the Zuppans on Burnside and 23rd. Each time we visited them at the store we were given a Disney Long Playing Record. You know, the kind with the book and it chimed to turn the page and told you when to flip the 45. I still have them. The two things that did freak me out at the store were the life size cut outs. Two of them loomed in the front and scared the bejesus out of me: Elvis and Barbra Streisand. I don't know why they scared me, but I think it was a chunkier Elvis and it was during the time Babs had an afro and knee socks...perhaps justified fear. After my Gramps was too sick to keep the shop open, Elvis and Barbra came to my Grandparents home...the back bedroom to be specific. I SWEAR people used to send me in there to fetch things on purpose, just to scare me.

I can't tell you how many times my brother, sister and I jumped in the car and headed to Tower. It was always exciting. The idea of new music, the latest release, and the fact that they stayed open late made it into an adventure. Square yellow bags with the red block lettering....(speaking of bags, after my Gparent's store closed we some how came into possession of a stack of bags with KISS on the side. We used KISS plastic bags, gloriously sporting the four faces, as Halloween treat bags for years. They were AWESOME!)

No doubt I will figure out the iPod. When we first got it, Rex had his sister load her songs onto it, so now I will be in the process of deleting some of those and clearing space for our/my stuff. This will be easy, right? I hate feeling like I need a class for the not really latest technology. Well, new to me technology. Where's my turntable? Walkman? Boom box?

Tonigh: John Prine

When John Prine comes to town it's family event for us. My Dad raised us on Prine, Cash, Nelson, and Presely. I have distinct memories of us riding along in the 1978 black Ford Pickup, heading to the coast and always stopping to check out the elk in the meadows or fish in the Wilson River.
Tonight we head to the Schnitz for great music, Prine telling fun stories and bonding with my Pops and siblings.
I was going to add a video, but alas it didn't work. I'll see what I can do about that.

If I Had My Druthers....

... i would be here today.

Here being the trail that leads to Romona Falls and back.

I suppose I should have added a picture of the actual falls...

Point being - in nature and not at work.

Orange = Happy

Rex gave me this flower.

The color orange makes me happy. That's all I have for today. :-)

It's ALIVE!!...The Roof I Mean...

This picture taken from the Ecoroof Blog at the City of Portland Ecoroof Program Website

Rex and I went to the most AMAZING lecture this week about living roofs.

The Oregon Zoo, in coordination with Audubon Society of Portland and a few other people, hosted a lecture with Dusty Gedge and "urban ecologist, performer, and public speaker". He was amazing. It was amazing. Dusty was full of information, science, humor, energy and passion for covering our roofs with life. Not only plant life, but the bugs and bees and such that come to live in the plantings placed on roofs.

The almost 2 hour lecture went fast as we saw slide after slide of living roofs in his native England and neighbor Sweden. Beautiful roofs that made the city look alive and provided much needed space for rare and amazing species of invertebrates that have had their habitat destroyed by high rises and roads. Dusty and his comrades have been working for the past few decades on programs and education and projects that just keep expanding the number of roofs that are now alive.

So, why was he here in our neck of the woods? Because Portland is putting a lot of energy into eco roofs. Sam Adams has started a program at the city called The Portland Ecoroof Program. Mayor Adams wants to see 49 acres of roofs converted to living roofs! NICE! And, they are giving away grants to those who are interested in participating.

I have to say, my eyes have been opened to the benefit of these types of roofs. I always thought they were cool, but now I know they are sorely needed in our urban areas.

If you would like to learn more about Dusty Gedge, check out his website, www.dustygedge.com. From there you can take a gander at his blog.

For more WONDERFUL information about living roofs, check out his other website, www.livingroofs.org. Here you can find information regarding roofs, how can you do a roof, plants, get access to all sorts of blogs, and see some beautiful roofs in the UK.

No Plaid to be Had?

I was at Fabric Depot last week looking for some baby fabric to make a gift for a friend. While I was getting the cute green polka dot fabric cut, I mentioned being partial to plaid while chatting with the woman at the counter.

This is what I hear in response: "We just don't carry plaid here. I think we have 2 types in wool."

Say what? HUH? I'm sorry I must have misunderstood. Did you say you DON'T carry plaid?

For those of you who are not familiar with Fabric Depot - it's a HUGE building on 122nd and Stark. Over an acre of fabric. For me, it's the fabric version of Powells. I get equally as mind boggled and overwhelmed in Fabric Depot as I do in Powells. Which of course leaves me two options: buy everything I see OR walk around in utter amazement and buy nothing...typically I do the latter.

There are fabrics with cowboys, cars, shoes, cupcakes, and for Pete's sake - green beans and carrots! How can you not have a classic plaid?

Would Powells ever say: "I'm sorry... Fiction...geez...we just don't carry that. We may have 2 books in the mystery section." It think not.

Fabric Depot needs to take a lesson from Powells. Searching their website for "plaid" actually returns 50 hits. 10 of which are specifically about plaids and tartans....and a few that look suspiciously like cheesy Scottish themed romance novels. The most interesting hit was the first: Tartan: Romancing the Plaid.

Ok, rant over. I need a customer comment card, I guess. "Please carry more plaid. Thanks" Signed - The Buchanan.

And by the way - that little picture there is the Buchanan Plaid.

March Forth..Oh the Irony!

I planned to use my down time today to pay bills, send important emails and catch up. I did get a
a few items finished and then I got side-tracked.

Like a good procrastinator, I decided to google search if today was a holiday here..or anywhere..of any sort.

According to Holidays On The Net: today is "March Forth: Do Something Day. March 4th...er...forth with your goals today. Do something, do anything. Just stop procrastinating."

I love it when the universe speaks to me. Nuff' said.

Culture of Fear

Another reason why I can't stand the local news. Not only do they serve up "snow storm panic" every year, but we also get "heat wave panic", "ID theft panic", and the ever so generic "see what can KILL you...in 10 minutes when we come back from break panic".

Now we have "earthquake panic". Yep, we live on a fault line. Yep, we are over due for "the BIG one". Yep, to say it would do some serious damage, is an understatement. Should we PANIC?! Nope.

Instead of focusing on how we can help people in Chile, or what is being done in Chile for their people. OR just providing the facts, we get story after story warning us that we are next. We will die. Portland will fall into the earth. Oregon will crack off the continent and fall in the ocean. UG - I say ENOUGH!

Get a grip for Gods sake!

What is it with this whole living in fear of what we can't control era? Swine Flu. Earthquakes. Meteors bearing down on the planet. ETC ETC ETC.

I've been wanting to read The Culture of Fear: Why Americans are Afraid of the Wrong Things for a long time. I'm going to get it at the library today.

I care about whats happening in the world, as do most of us. But, our local news sucks. I want facts, not emotional warnings and fear tactics.

To Balance or Not to Balance..That is the ?

I'm having one of those days. You know, the ones when you wake up from a deep sleep early in the morning because your To-Do list is already running through your head. No chance of going back to sleep after than either...at least not for me. I didn't even try. Instead, I picked up the ever present notebook next to my bed and started making my To-Do list and my grocery list. A few minutes later - I just got up.

I'm in a constant state of trying to find balance. My list of item to finish is never ending and yet I don't see my friends enough. Unfortunately, it's the list that nags at me from the back of my head. It's voice is louder.

So, today I have the option of seeing some friends, that I probably won't take. You see, that nagging little To-Do voice talks to the other part of my brain that causes anxiety. They get together and conspire against me, making me feel stress and angst, thus making fun...well...less fun.

If I just get the list done (is this REALLY possible?) the angst and anxiety will go away and fun can be had.

Today I choose preventative medicine - the To-Do list. It's the only way to find some eventual balance. THEN I can enjoy my fun time. I'm hoping to get to a place where my To-Do list is short and sweet and I can keep up on things. Therefore, allowing me TONS of fun time sans the nagging voice.

Off I go to get satisfaction from crossing items off my list. Laundry - check. Pay bills - check. And so on, and so on.

Happy Valentines Day! To YOU...and YOU...and YOU!

Just a little song for my friends! No matter if I see you often or only rarely, my life would not be the same without you. :-) See video #1.

For those who cringe just a bit on Valentines Day the cartoon short, video #2, is for you!

Missing You....7 Years....

Today I am missing my dear friend Curt. Maybe I am feeling especially down today, or maybe its that he was killed seven years ago as of January 12th, which has made January hard for me ever since. Either way, I have been thinking of Curt a lot lately.

I try to curb the mix of emotion and just focus on his gentleness and picture his great smile. He was the most kind spirited man. Willing to help anyone who needed it. He loved his family. I never heard him raise his voice, or talk bad about anyone. Ever. He shared himself and his love and his peace with those around him. Was selfless.

Curt was murdered. Shot in his home on a wintery Sunday. The neighbors outside taking down their Christmas lights heard nothing. Saw nothing. Know nothing.

I found out about his death at work. At that point I didn't know the how, just that he was gone. Luckily there was another interpreter there and they took my class - well part of it. They could only stay so long..I would have to pull it together and interpret. I don't know how I did it. All, I could think was that I had to get home and call a couple of our mutual friends and tell them them news. I had to call his best friend and get the details. I had to get in the car and drive to Boise - NOW.

In the middle of making those calls, I found out he was murdered. In a small town just outside of Boise. When I hear people say "you live in Portland wow, I'm too scared to go downtown" I want to laugh. Crime happens everywhere.

I didn't make it to work the next day, as a friend and I were driving all night in order to arrive at the funeral in time. Monday at work a friend asked - "hey, where were you Friday." After telling him, I remember saying " I hope they never find the person who did it, because I can't imagine hating someone this much for the rest of my life." My friend was taken aback by this. But at the time, only a few days after, I was filled with such anger and hate for this mysterious person who stole the life of my friend. At this mysterious person who stole the lives of his family, who changed all of our lives forever.

My hate and anger has lessened. Although it still grips me at times and I ache with an anger I don't know what to do with. My sadness is still strong. At random times I still experience a rush of emotion and tears in my eyes, as if it just happened.

I find pictures of he and I in my office and I smile, remembering the fun times we had in Toledo at the WSRID Summer Institute. Those are good days...when I am surprised to see his smiling face staring up at me. "Hi Tina! Remember: be happy and I'm in a good place."

In 2007, Curt's wife was arrested and convicted of his murder. The trial split his family and the town into two camps. Those who thought her guilty and those who did not. The evidence was not overwhelming and the police did a horrible job at processing evidence. Including losing hair found on his body, and a technician throwing out the tissue/trace evidence found under his nails from struggling with his killer. His wife had no scratches on her, no gun powder residue and an alibi. I can go and and on about the horrendous mistakes made during the investigation. His children totally support their mother and are working on an appeal. But, I will leave that for another post.

I struggle with the not knowing. Did she? Didn't she? In my gut, I don't think she did it. And when I read the evidence..or lack there of...I really really don't think she did it. Sometimes I think this turn of events has made the grieving harder. There is no end. Just more struggle and more questions and no new answers.

Curt was a Father, brother, husband, Grandfather, interpreter, & friend. At his funeral his brother quoted the scripture "Well done my good and faithful servant" - I thought I had never heard anything more fitting. His life was well done, in every way.

I miss you Curt. I think about you everyday. I try to use your life as an example of how to live. With peace, love, and acceptance.

Hhhhmmm...What to Do?

I'm ready to chuck it in.

By this I mean: unload stuff, downsize, shirk my extra responsibilities, and just clear up my life.

Rex and I were married 4 year ago and it seems we have been running, going, doing ever since. Work, remodel, move, work, remodel, work, set up a business, LTA, etc etc. Don't misunderstand - I like my life. I like to do do do. But, maybe..just maybe...I'm ready for don't don't don't.

I can't keep my office clean. I haven't taken care of myself. I haven't gotten my yard finished. Where is the time? It has become more clear lately that time is fleeting. Minutes, hours, days fly by a mock speed and I am screaming into the future. That sonic boom you hear is actually the sound of my realization: Life is short.

Where do I want to be? What do I want to be doing? And with whom?

We decided this year we would see our friends and family more often. Rex and I need that. We need to decompress, laugh and let our loved ones know that they are loved. A much better way to spend my time I should think.

How does one go from being a do-do-do-doer, to a slow-down-let go of some stuff-er? And, why does this come with a feeling of guilt? Where does THAT come from?

I'm also a bit of pack-rat and am ready to unload, craigslist, give away anything I don't need. My sister often says: "Let go or be dragged" and I have to say that's how I feel these days.

So, new year, how about I look you in the face and see what I can do to clear things up.

I'll keep you posted.